Anaconda 3

YOURE NOT READY FOR THIS AMOUNT OF AWESOME.

Son of a bitch. Kill me. Im about to watch Anaconda 3. I have no sanity left. The back of the box says, and Im quoting here:
“Coil up on the couch and prepare yourself for more action, more danger, and more snakes!”
You’ve got to be kidding me.
“Starring David Hasselhoff…”
God fucking hell.
Lets begin.
As I write this, Im watching the previews, which contains:
Anacondas 4.
Mother fucker…
Zombie Strippers
Might be decent, has Robert Englund and a porn star.
Balls Out
Like Balls of Fury, with more ball jokes, and less funny. The star is that annoying guy from Blade 3. Yay.
Alright, movies started. Random stock footage. Yay. Just a forest, nothing terrible, besides the music of course. But then, it cuts to 3 dumbasses dicking around ion the forest, cutting things down with their machetes, to show theyre HARDCORE. Then, in the next cut, Hasslehoff is walking with them! The fuck? Well anyway, The HOFF spews some shitty one liner and some random dopey guy gets acid spit on his face by a snake that literally came OUT OF NOWHERE. Im not kidding. People die, the HOFF acts awesome and succeeding, and out of the fucking blue, some guy starts running around with NO ARM. Last time I checked, snakes cant do that. Ever. No matter how big. Well anyway, HOFF kills the snake, one guy(besides the HOFF) lives, and next scene. Oh by the way, you saw the snake a total of ONCE this entire scene, and that was when the guy got spit on. You need to see this scene to understand its idiocy. But my god… I could do a better job. With one actor doing all the parts and a puppet as the snake.
BAM! Title shot. Damn, that was surprising, its turning black, fading to the next scene and BAM Muthafucka! Title. Jesus. The movie wants to be over just as bad as I want it to be.
Now, some choppy edit of there’s hot chick running (whom I will refer to as Eye Candy) and some evil lab. How do I know this lab is evil? it’s a movie about giant snakes. Don’t ask again. We are then introduced to some evil businessman who looks and sounds like Sean Connerys retarded half brother. Sexy. Then a bunch of scientist show up, pretending to do something important while da boss man is around, and Eval Businessman gets introduced to the two snakes. Then BAM! Eye Candy shows up, referring creepily to the snake as “her baby” eeewwww….
Blablabla, evil businessman fucks everything up, pisses the snake off, and it breaks loose and kills 4 people. Happy times. Then, to top it all off, the Queen escapes too, except, SHES PREGGO!!! (not a spoiler, its in the damn title) so Evil Businessman hires a bunch of snake hunting mercs. Yep. And the HOFF!!!!! YEAH!!!!
Well anyway, The Hoff kills two idiots in some foreign country because they were bothering him while he was talking on the phone. Its cool, hes the HOFF. HASSLEHOFF COMITH!!!! But wait, the merc who got out of the car isn’t the HOFF, its some other wanker! WHAT?! Theres a Hasslehoff clone out there? And not only that, Cloneselhoff brought a gang of his merry merc men with him! They are trying to outdo the REAL Hoff. This movies getting exciting, but of course, Hoff will prevail. Then Cloneselhoff and gang, including Evil Businessman wormy assistant (Wormy bitch) and Eye Candy take off and go find the snake, leaving the Hoff to find the snake by hisself (sniffle) HASSLEHOFF COMITH LATER!!!
The black racial stereotype from Africa (BSR from now on) brags about his boxing skills. Since snakes natural weakness is a natural bout of fisticuffs. They go to a random barn where some dumbass got eaten, and the Overweight Dunderhead freaks out and pumps about 40 rounds in the general direction of a chicken. Then everyone had a good laugh until the snake showed up and killed Cloneselhoff. PWNED. Rivalry over. The weird part about this kill is that the snake has a fucking machete on its tail. Silly me, I forgot that anacondas had those! Duh! Then, the snake continues PWNing everyone, and bites Overweight Dunderheads head off (ironic, right?) The 4 mercs left chase the snake into the forest and hilarity insues. One of the snakes catches up to Eye Candy and for some reason, the snake doesn’t immediately killinate her. Good thing THE HOFF showed up just in time to pump some bullets into the pussy little snake! He traveled half a world in less than 20 minutes because he was gonna KICK SOME ASS!!!!!
Meanwhile, the 3 merry men and one butch are hunting after the snake in the forest and it, well, I cant believe Im saying this, the snake fucking disappears. Yeah… a 100 foot snake disappears. Im sure it seemed like a compelling plot point at the time. But its just a cop-out, like the 98’ American Godzilla where he disappeared repeatedly. In New York. Real compelling guys. Good job.
They retreat back to work a plan out with THE HOFF. Eye Candy, this weird Mexican/Chinese guy and Butchy McLesbo all get into the Bluescreen Mobile to find the snake while BRS, some guy with a hat who survives longer than expected and THE HOFFSTER take off into the forest to have a merry adventure, Wormy Bitch hangs back. In the Bluescreen Mobile, the snake catches up with and sneaks up on ALL THREE of them and spits on the Mexinese guys face Aliens style. Sexy. So Butchy crashes the car, Mexinese Guy dies immediately, Eye Candy survives scratch free (of course) and Butchy breaks her leg. She gets devoured by the snake (yummy!) and Eye Candy is stuck in the car as it catches on fire! Oh no, what is she gonna do? IS someone gonna save her or- oh wait, she just runs out. Well. Oh no! The snake has confronted her again! What will happen? Suddenly, a gunshot from the distance, two, three more! it’s the HOFFSTER!!!!!!!!! He PWNs that snake into submission and it runs off like a little bitch.
The HOFF is having a strange conversation with Wormy Bastard back at camp, and Eye Candy wonders what’s going on. The HOFF definitely isn’t going to betray you, Eye Candy, no, no, that would be too easy fro the plot. Oh wait, this is a Sci-Fi original… dammit.
It turns out the T3H SN@K3 IS PR3GGO!!!11!!!ONE!!1!!!! OH NO3SSS!!!!!!!!!! And later, HOFF offers Eye Candy a job. No signs of betrayal, nope, not at all. Then THE HOFF(!) tries his smooth moves on her, and she walks away. Its okay HOFF, shes a bitch. Punch her in the jeans.
They try again to kill the snakes, and that gets Wormy Bitch killed. Then the snakes run off into the water, and THE HOFF is pressured to call in the army. He does so defiantly, And yes, folks, the army believes that there is a 100 hundred foot snake couple in America, about to give birth to a million little 100 foots snakes. THAT’S why we win wars folks; we kill the snakes. Eye Candy and BRS end up at some factory (which according to Eye Candy the snake expert is a snakes natural fucking breeding ground), trying to find the snake, and one catches BRS, he pulls a grenade in its mouth and BLOWS THE HELL OUT OF THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!! The explosion is very fiery, though it was only a frag grenade. Oh yeah, and BRS died. Woopsies.
Guy with Hat gets a tree branch knoked on him, which breaks the phone the army was honing in on their signal with (DAMN YOU SNAKES!!!!!!!!). Suddenly, the scene switches to some random wanker talking to EVAL BUSINESSMAN about something or rather. Okay, any explanation folks? No? Alright, lets keep moving. HOFF and Guy with Hat arrive at the factory, and Guy with Hat gets ready to fuck shit up when T3H H0FF SH00TS H1M!!!!!!! OH NOES!?!?!?!!? HOFF IS EVAL!?!?!?!?! Nobody saw that coming! That means, that the random guy was working with THE HOFF and THE HOFF is working with: DUN! DUN! DUN! EVAL BUSINESSMAN! Why HOFF, why?
Well anyway, Eye Candy is all surprised and tricks HOFF into believing that shell join him for a cut of the profits, and then knees him in the balls! You cant kill THE HOFF BITCH!!! Only a time bomb can kill the HOFF!!! So she stabs him, and he falls against the wall, the babies start hatching and HOFF is all like “OH NOES!!!”. Eye Candy suddenly throws a *GASP* time bomb next to THE HOFF and walks out! YOU BITCH!!!!!! HE WAS THE HOFF!!!!!! I LOVED HIM!!!!! Oh wait…
Next scene, somehow a baby snake survives and Random Guy shows up, throws it into a bag and calls EVAL BUSINESSMAN!!!! And tells him that the package3 is secure or some bullshit cliché line like that. Credits roll.

END.

I need a hug.

R.I.P. THE HOFF (July 17, 1952, 2008)