Review - Cheap

Recently, I saw an indie zero-budget film called Cheap.  This movie is dark, sickening, disturbing, hilarious, and wrong in at least forty-five different definitions of the word.

And I love it.

This movie is like a poster child for everything I love about independent film making.  There's a real passion in it, all of these people knew what they were making, and that was art.

The story is sickeningly simple, it revolves around a failed porn director ( Jack Stone, played by Brad Jones of Cinema Snob fame) crafting a new, different approach to pornography: real snuff films.  He convinces a completely disturbed, FUBAR cameraman Manny  played by [Nick Foster], and two teen runaways (Patti, played by Carrie Jo Stucki and Anita, played by Jessica Stone) to "star" in his new films.  They pick up a homeless person, kill him while filming it, and do quite disturbing things with his severed head.  After this they sell the movie to a slimy producer Max Force (played by David Gobble in an amazing performance), who is met with overnight success on his porno site.  Things take a wrong turn quickly and Jack (The Director) and the other "crew members"  exact their sickening revenge on those that made their fame possible.

Its really, on the surface, almost a ludicrous movie.  But once you watch it, get down deep into this underworld Brad has crafted, and feel for these characters, you enjoy it.  You enjoy it a lot.  Its sickening, but you have emotions for these characters.  The acting and the script easily save the movie from total mediocrity  Brad and David are the key actors here, and they are also in the two starring roles.  But let me tell you this, before you even watch it:  there are no heroes in this story.  Everyones dirty, demented or just a plain asshole.  You can sort of see a glimmer of hope in one character (the producers pregnant wife), but she doesnt fare very well by the end.  Dont expect to root for anybody here, because everyone is a villain.


The production values, well...  there are no production values it seems.  The audio fits in and out, the camera blurs, and the camera quality in general isn't very good.  But, to be honest, this sort of adds to the movies flavor.  With high production values, crystal clear image, and perfect sound, you lose a complete layer of the movie.  Im glad that the movie was shot the way it was, because I cant imagine it any other way.


In conclusion, this movie is dark, twisted and one hell of a ride.  The movie drags a bit in the first half, but the second rears its ugly head with a vengeance.  I recommend this to anyone with a taste for the wicked and a stomach to bear.  Its not gory, but the subject matter is sickening, no doubt.  Check it out, its sure to please all of you sick fucks out there.


Final Score:  B+


Favorite Quote:  "Im rich now, I can do whatever the fuck I want!"

Watch it here

Really now?

Today, I was watching a tv show called Gangland. This specific episode was about the KKK, or, more specifially, the IKA. The KKK claim that the bible goes against racial mixing, and says that Caucasians are the dominant race. Okay, hand me a bible quote to back that up? Oh, you cant? That wouldn't justify your actions anyway? Yeah, thought so.

really, do these assholes not even realize that the bible was written in the fucking MIDDLE EAST?
That's where Muslims are from, idiots! These idiots parade around with their robes and their pistols pretending to do gods work, when the truth is they just have a grudge against other races. But why? They are just as human as white people. They deserve equal rights, no matter how they look, or how many of them beat you up when you were in sixth grade.

But what really pisses me off is simply the ignorance of them. They never once stop to think that maybe black people and Asians and Mexicans and everyone else can be productive members of society. While the black man across the street is supporting his family and working twice as many hours because he cant find a job, these rednecks are sitting on their couches, jobless, drunk as fuck, complaining about how the black people took all the jobs.

Ive seen people like this. Im not fucking kidding.

Also, this IKA (Imperial Klans of America) was started in Kentucky.
fuck.

God damn I love atheism.

"He's the farmers' barren fields, (In God)
He's the force the army wields, (We trust)
He's the expression on the faces of the starving millions, (Because he's one of us)
The power of the man. (Break down)
He's the fuel that drives the Klan, (Cave in)
He's the motive and the conscience of the murderer (He can redeem your sin)
He's the preacher on TV, (Strong heart)
He's the false sincerity, (Clear mind)
He's the form letter that's written by the big computer, (And infinitely kind)
He's the nuclear bombs, (You lose)
He's the kids with no moms (We win)
And I'm fearful that he's inside ME (He is our champion)"
Bad Religion--American jesus

The Top Ten Coolest Megaman Classic Characters!

I love megaman, I’m sure by now its no secret. I love all series of megaman with a passion, but the most well known is obviously the Classic series. That is what this list will be made from; don’t expect Zero or Spider to show up anytime soon. These are my personal favorites, and in now way are they definite, so don’t take it that way. You’re entitled to your opinion, and I would love a megaman discussion :P

NOTE: I had pictures, but Blogspot is a bitch about the picture posting, so I had to remove them, they were nothing bad, just some technical problems.


10) Dr. Light (Dr. Right)
The creator of Megaman and former buddy of Wily before Wily went all crazy on him, Dr. Thomas Light (Right) was the creator of Protoman (Blues), Megaman (Rock) and Roll along with many of the first eight robot masters. Without this guy, Megaman wouldn’t have any butt to kick!



9) Quick Man

Gah! Oh no Quick Man! This robot master was created only for killing Megaman. He is one of the fastest masters ever created and he can give you one hell of a hard time on a perfect run. That and the fact that his stage is covered in more lasers than a museum in an action movie, and Quick Man becomes one tough Hombre!



8) Bass (Forte)

He had to be somewhere on the list, hes the classic anti-hero of the Megaman Classic Series! He may be dumb as a rock, and full of himself to no end, but Bass can hold his own and is nearly as strong as Megaman. Bass thinks Megaman is weak and that Bass is the strongest robot in the world, even though he gets his ass handed to him by Megaman in every game since MM7. But you have to love his tenacity. Which is why he made number 8 on my list.



7) King

A robot designed for one tihng, and on thing only: getting rid of humans. This puts him on the list already, but he also cuts Protoman directly in half! Hes mad I tell you, mad! The only way anyone could harm him was after Proto did his awesome balst fo death to break his shield! Can Anyone else say they deflected a direct Protoman attack and didn’t even get harmed? I doubt it.



6) Tango, Rush and Beat (tie)

Animals that give you stuff and kill robots. Really, what more could you ask for? My personal favorite is Beat, because who fights with a circular bird that doesn’t look like it could beat an egg? Megaman. That’s who. Rush is also very useful, and a necessity in later games where the rush jet or coil is needed. Sadly, I don’t know too much about Tango, but he’s a kitty! And that gives him a spot.



5) Auto (Rightot)

Probably the most useless character in the classic series, as nothing would be different without him. Yet why is he so cool? Well that’s simple, really, he’s a robot that drives a car that looks exactly like him. That’s just awesome. Also, he owns the shop in MM & B and MM 9. That’s cool too.



4) Napalm Man

Wow. He’s like the embodiment of overkill. He has bombs for hands and shoulders, and a cannon on TOP OF HIS HEAD! He even has a rocket on his back! I would NOT mess with this guy. Not only that, but he has tank treads for feet. This guy was built for warfare, and if he doesn’t kill one person a day, he’s not doing his job.



3) Dr. Wily

This guy is just balls to the wall insane. He’s not satisfied with having a skull shaped island or an awesome eyebrow dance, but he has to take over the world with an army of robots. He even created a robot made simply for killing humans! And he’s a human! And he wont give up! Wouldn’t you think hed get tired of getting his ass handed to him on a regular basis? No, not Wily! That’s why he makes it to number 3, no matter how hard he gets beat down, he wont give up. I applaud you sir.



2) Megaman (Rock)

Megaman may be the star and main warrior of the MM Classic series, and defeated 64 Robot Masters in his life, but he did it with a smile and an awesome haircut. He didn’t even get helmet hair! Now that’s true bad-assery.

And the number 1 coolest Megaman Classic character ever is…





1) Protoman (Blues)

Hes a master at whistling, has a killer scarf, is “related” to Megaman, and has some awesome sunglasses. Not only that, but he has a shield, and always seems to show up at the perfect time, to help, challenge, or just talk to Megaman. He started out as a Mid-boss and boss (Break man) but came a long way to where he is today. Hes so cool, he doesn’t even use the shop in MM 9. That’s how much ass he kicks. Protoman, we are truly humbled.

Major Update on Stories

I have decided to move my stories to a freewebs account (well now its just webs, but whatever). I know what youre thinking "Freewebs is for idiot twelve year old who think they can make their won website" But I say "Nay, we are but men" and besides, Ive spent my entire day making pages and editing pages and doing a whole bunch of work to make YOU people (all 4 of you =D) happy!

So enjoy it, whores.

here is my freewebs

Royally Buttraped.

Today, I was buttfucked. The culprit? I wanna Be the Guy: The Movie: The Game. I saw a video about this game on youtube, and heard it was the hardest game ever. So, being a sucker for masochistically delicious games, I downloaded it. I thought "Fuck yeah, its like Megaman, Contra, Ninja Gaiden and a whole bunch of cheap deaths combined into one!"

I was right.

Not only was I right, I died twelve times on the FIRST SCREEN. TWELVE. Now, Im no stranger to one hit kills, but flying apples (or giant cherries, whatever) speed past you twice as fast as you do! And they fly upwards! GAH!

And screen two... oh my GAWD. Screen two is so terrible. It hurts my soul (and butt) to even think about it.

I will make a video eventually and SHOW you how hardcore this game is.
And you will feel buttfucked by just watching it.



I love this game.

untitled story, chapter 1

The bombs fell on August 19, 2156. The warning signs were all over. We were told it was coming for a long time. Decades. Nobody would do anything. America declared war on Russia. That’s when the bombs fell. No one was prepared for the destruction America received. Nobody that wasn’t in a bomb shelter lived for more than two days. Liquefied or burnt to death from the blasts. My great-grandfather survived. He saw all of it firsthand. But now, now I have to survive. I’m living in the apocalypse. Raiders don’t come by anymore at least. Save for one or two stragglers a month. Then there was the night everything changed…

I was dozing off in my makeshift bed, pistol in hand. I was afraid to sleep, there have been more raiders in the area lately. Despite myself, I slept for one, maybe two hours. I awoke to gunfire and yells. Raiders. I kept silent as I turned the safety off on my pistol and crept down to the first floor as slowly as possible. Four raiders. Running around in town, blasting everyone, man, woman or child into bits. No mercy. They’ve lost their minds, and they seem to be fine with it. They take food, weapons, anything except hostages. There were six houses in the makeshift town, including mine. I took off, trying to save myself, or stop the raiders.

I saw a straggler taking a piss on a dead man, and I took my chance. I took out my knife and crept up to him. I was just about tot attack when he turned around, finished. I leaped at him and stabbed him repeatedly in the neck and stomach. He didn’t have time to scream. He was gurgling his last few breaths and I looked back towards the other raiders. They were torturing a family. Making the mother choose which child dies first. I picked up the rifle the raider was carrying and took a potshot towards the raiders. I hit on the foot and he fell, screaming. In retaliation, he shot both kids. “You fucks!” I shouted and charged towards them in a fit of blind rage. I took out my pistol and fired off three shots. One landed a raider in the chest, while another in the arm. I charged towards the one who shot the kids and started beating him with my bare hands. I picked up a rock and repeatedly bashed him in the head as hard as possible.
I got ripped of the mess of blood and tissue and started receiving my own beating from the raider that was shot in the arm. I pushed my fingers into his wound until he couldn’t stand it and get rolled over in pain. I took his shotgun and spent a shell in the back of his skull. The last raider was female, and she was dying. I let her suffer.

The woman was cradling her dead kids in her arms, crying. After a while in this waste, you get used to seeing this shit. I left her to her grieving and looked around the town for survivors. The only house that wasn’t attacked was mine. Damn it. Me and the woman are the only survivors. I went back to her to talk to her. “Come with me.” I said warmly.
“Why? Where will we go?” she wailed back.
“I’m not sure, but anywhere’s better than here.” I offered her my hand. She took it and stood up. We buried her children and we took what we could. I tried to make small talk, and learned her name was Stacey. We took hold in a semi-standing barn for the night when she woke me up.
“Frank, Frank.” She whispered and nudged me.
“Huh?!” I grumbled.
“I hear something outside the barn. Whispers.” Shit, I thought. I picked up my rifle and checked out around the barn. I looked around the corner and saw a dog sniffing at the barn door. I breathed a sigh of relief and hurried back to my bed. There were two raiders standing at the entrance, waiting for me. They had Stacey held at gunpoint and were calling my name. I saw them first and shot one of them in the side of the head. The other one turned to me and fired. I took on in the shoulder. I took out my pistol and fired a few rounds through the searing pain. To my luck, a round pegged the raider in the stomach and he collapsed. There was one more who had Stacey at gunpoint. I walked into the barn, and stared him dead in the eyes.
“One more step man. Shell be the new fucking wallpaper in here.” He shouted, wild eyed. He was scared. Desperate.
“Listen, just let her go, and I won’t put two rounds in your fucking skull. You think Ill lose sleep over your scummy ass blood on my hands? I’ll be doing everyone a favor.”
“Listen shit-head! I will fuck you up! Don’t fuck with me! I’ll, I’ll-” He pointed his gun at me. Perfect chance, now or never. I drew my pistol and fired two rounds. Both hit him square in the head. Stacey was okay, if a bit shaken, so I let her sleep. I took watch the rest of the night.
The next morning, I got patched up, packed up, and we left. We walked for I don’t know how long. Where we were going, what we would do when we got there, it didn’t matter. We survived.

My Top Ten Video Game Villains of all Time, part 1

Lists. Everybody loves lists. I decided to make a yummy delicious list for you today. Here are my top ten video game villains of all time (not limited to bosses)



10) Nazis. Yes, Nazis. They are the antagonists of so many games I don't even want to think about it. Everyone has played at least some sort of WWII game, right? Think about this, lets say you kill two Nazis a minute. Lets say this game takes eight hours to beat, not including cutscenes, or loading/menu screens. That's (if my math is correct) 960 Nazis PER GAME. Hardcore man.








9) Wesker from the Resident Evil series. Okay, so you only fight him once in the series (I think) and hes not even IN most games, but you know hes there. Hes watching, hes got everything planned, and hes just biding his time until he can KICK YOUR ASS. He was even in the new RE CG movie. The live action ones dont exist. They are a lie.



8) Darth Revan from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Though you mostly hear about Malak, and only end up fighting the Sith master, Revan is always in the back of your head. Who is Revan? Not many know, most believe he is dead. But is he? Its a nagging question, and results in one of the greatest plots in Star Wars history. So why is Revan in the number 8 spot? Because hes like Wesker, hes always there, yet unlike Wesker, things are a bit more personal...


7) True Dracula, Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin. This game has some epic boss fights, but none more so than the final boss(es). First, you fight Death AND Dracula at the same time! As if that werent hard enough, Death has some new tricks up is sleeve and Dracula has a one hit kill attack. After you beat that evil duo, Dracula absorbs Deaths (life?) force and becomes True Dracula. Jeeesus Christ. You havent seen a Castlevania boss until you see THIS guy. It took me a month before I found out how to fill him, and damn was it hard. So why isnt this guy number one if hes so hard? Because, while he IS epic, he isnt as epic as some of the other guys on this list. (warning, possible spoilers in video)

6) The Hydra, from God of War. No, fuck Ares, and Fuck the Minotaur, in my world, the Hydra is king, this thing is like 3 boss fights smooshed together. This entire level should be on the list, because its so awesome, not only that, but you encounter the Hydra twice before the battle even begins! This beast just cant wait for you to put it down. And not only all this, but fro a first boss, this guy was HARD. If you were playing Spartan, this thing will break your fucking balls off. Yeah. That shit happens.

Thats the first part of my top 10, check back later (probably next week) for the last 5!

Good, Evil and the idea of war.

Good and evil are strange things. Drawn to show us that they are so separate, completely different from each other. They are like Black and White. But, my friends, I don’t believe that is true. I think we are told that good and evil are two separate entities to justify actions, otherwise not sanctioned by our culture.

Take the popular concept of ‘an eye for an eye’ as an example. If a man brutally murders someone in the heat of passion, then does he really deserve the same? Most may say yes, but why? He committed an evil act, yes. But if we were to kill him, that would be just as bad. Why would we kill someone because they have done the same? Is that good or evil?
It depends on the point of view, the person being killed would think that this was an act of harsh evil and hate, yet the person killing the victim will have a perfectly good explanation to tell himself, so he can go home and kiss his wife and sleep at night. Is this the society we live in? Where if someone kills in spite, then someone else can do the same thing for ‘justice’?
Just because ‘justice’ is involved does not mean it’s the ‘good’ thing to do. I believe the only reason to ever kill or hurt somebody is in self defense. Does that mean I’m a ‘good’ person? Fuck no, I can be a terrible person, as anyone who knows me can tell you. But that doesn’t mean that I cant be a nice guy when it suits me. There’s another good point. We are good people when it suits us. Don’t deny it. If someone will be nice to you or give you something, you will kiss their ass. But if you cant get anything out of it, why do it? I’m guilty of it to, I’m no saint, trust me, but I try to better myself, if only to make myself happier.

Why hate? Why hurt? Is there a point? No, no point at all. Nearly anything can be solved with agreements instead of guns and explosives. But, back to my main point. If we have differing viewpoints, why do we fight? If I am an atheist, why does a Christian have to fight with my viewpoint? Taking this on a larger scale, if Kim Jong Il disagrees with Americans, why cant he talk to our govt.? He has to be rash, hateful, angry. Not to say Americans aren’t assholes. Because we are (G-Bay anyone?). Americans are just as evil and spiteful as any other nation, and always will be, because that’s how the world works.

I firmly believe that humans will never get along, whites hate blacks, blacks hate whites. Koreans hate Americans, Al Qaeda and Muslim extremists hate pretty much everyone else, and pretty much everyone else hates them. Why the hate? WE AREN'T 'GOOD' PEOPLE.

Bringing up something else, 911. They (apparently) attacked us. We attacked them. But why the killing? Muslim extremists say we are blasphemous infidels, who need to be eradicated, Americans think that shotguns are the answer to all the worlds problems. Will we ever get along? I firmly believe that the end of humanity will be ourselves, because we cant see past differences in culture, religion, and government. You’re free to your opinion, and I’m open for debate, so leave comments.

“I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”
J. Robert Oppenheimer
“The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.”
J. Robert Oppenheimer
“If religion were true, its followers would not try to bludgeon their young into an artificial conformity; but would merely insist on their unbending quest for truth, irrespective of artificial backgrounds or practical consequences.”
H.P. Lovecraft
“The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.”
H.P. Lovecraft

Anarchy.

Its a taboo subject to those who aren't knowledgeable of it. I will answer some common questions I hear when I mention my anarchist beliefs.

1) What exactly IS Anarchy?
A: The disestablishment of any government. Basically, a Government of no Government


2)But without Government, how will we be ruled?
A: The whole point of Anarchy is NOT to be ruled.

3) Are there different kinds of Anarchy?
A: Yes, lots. Im more of a Anarchist that wants to overthrow the government so we could reinstate a government of the people. Not total Anarchy.
Then theres the Pure Anarchists. These guys want to destroy every seed of government available.
Then, theres the sort of anti-state control type of Anarchy, where they want to overthrow individual communities but keep their central government.

4) How does one become an Anarchist?
You just... do.

5) what do you people stand for, besides the whole destroying government thing?
Most of us believe in anti-conformism and anti-commercialism. If you dont know what those things are, google it.
Also, most Punk Anarchists are either Atheist or some other religion than Christian.

6) Are all of you insane?
Probably.

Well, now to the point I wanted to get across. There are many of us out there. Im relatively new to the whole Anarchy punk scene. I just wanted to clear whatever I could up.

Later,
Death Walrus

"If I had a lighter in hands
With some oily rags
Is that what it'd take
To wake you from your sleep?
Woke up from your American dreams
To be surrounded
Surrounded in flames!"

The ten commandments of Anarchy.

Gotta shoot em in the head. (L4D quick rant)

Now, I finally got L4D to work, though it doesn't always, but for the most part its solid. Took me a while, and I have to reboot my computer every now and again, but hey, you get to kill zombies. So, what do I think?

Its awesome. When you get 3 other people to play, and you really work together, it really changes the way you think of multiplayer. Most games make the multiplayer after the main game is completed, or vica versa (Deathmatch, CTF) or just tack it on (Co-op) and, granted, its fun, but it always seemed artificial to me. But L4D changed that for me. It does Co-op and Deathmatch RIGHT. No silly tacked on implements, everything feels smooth and natural. The zombies are fun to play, if not hard as hell to play well, but the humans are easily my favorite aspect of the game. You instantly have a small sense of camaraderie with these 3 strangers, which is awesome. You cant survive without these guys, and the same to them. Now thats not the case every time you play, most of the time, the guys will call out if they find weapons and ammo, and wait until you come get it because you all depend on eachother that much. Its great.

One problem I do have is the lack of campaigns, but thats a small complaint, because theres a surprising amount of replay-ability. For those who dont know, the game gets harder the better you do, and easier the more times you bite it.

Those are my early reactions, expect a full review later.

Valves Steam Software

I just recently downloaded the game service Steam, to purchase Garrys Mod and Left 4 Dead. BIG mistake. Steam slows down my computer dramatically, barely works, and the games I use with it crash frequently. It took me two days to download Left 4 Dead because Steam decided to restart the download time when it was 77% done with downloading. Granted, my computer is a piece of shit, but Valves graphics engine does not cause a challenge for my computer, until now. Im lucky if I can get a steady framrate in L4D for 25 seconds. No joke. Its ridiculous.

I know for sure that I will never download or buy another game from Valve for PC until they fix the numerous problems.

My favorite error in Steam games is the out of OS Pool Memory error. I looked this up and it turns out, I cant have Norton Internet Security running at the same time as a Valve Steam game or it will cause the game to crash with this error. Another fun error I got for L4D is the cannot detect D3D device! Error. This one has to do with a video card I dont even have, so I dont have any clue how it happened. It happened with G-mod too, but only once.

So Valve, I love your games, the HL series has changed storytelling in video games and your Source engine is a fantastic tool, but PLEASE, PLEASE fix this Steam program.

Anaconda 3

YOURE NOT READY FOR THIS AMOUNT OF AWESOME.

Son of a bitch. Kill me. Im about to watch Anaconda 3. I have no sanity left. The back of the box says, and Im quoting here:
“Coil up on the couch and prepare yourself for more action, more danger, and more snakes!”
You’ve got to be kidding me.
“Starring David Hasselhoff…”
God fucking hell.
Lets begin.
As I write this, Im watching the previews, which contains:
Anacondas 4.
Mother fucker…
Zombie Strippers
Might be decent, has Robert Englund and a porn star.
Balls Out
Like Balls of Fury, with more ball jokes, and less funny. The star is that annoying guy from Blade 3. Yay.
Alright, movies started. Random stock footage. Yay. Just a forest, nothing terrible, besides the music of course. But then, it cuts to 3 dumbasses dicking around ion the forest, cutting things down with their machetes, to show theyre HARDCORE. Then, in the next cut, Hasslehoff is walking with them! The fuck? Well anyway, The HOFF spews some shitty one liner and some random dopey guy gets acid spit on his face by a snake that literally came OUT OF NOWHERE. Im not kidding. People die, the HOFF acts awesome and succeeding, and out of the fucking blue, some guy starts running around with NO ARM. Last time I checked, snakes cant do that. Ever. No matter how big. Well anyway, HOFF kills the snake, one guy(besides the HOFF) lives, and next scene. Oh by the way, you saw the snake a total of ONCE this entire scene, and that was when the guy got spit on. You need to see this scene to understand its idiocy. But my god… I could do a better job. With one actor doing all the parts and a puppet as the snake.
BAM! Title shot. Damn, that was surprising, its turning black, fading to the next scene and BAM Muthafucka! Title. Jesus. The movie wants to be over just as bad as I want it to be.
Now, some choppy edit of there’s hot chick running (whom I will refer to as Eye Candy) and some evil lab. How do I know this lab is evil? it’s a movie about giant snakes. Don’t ask again. We are then introduced to some evil businessman who looks and sounds like Sean Connerys retarded half brother. Sexy. Then a bunch of scientist show up, pretending to do something important while da boss man is around, and Eval Businessman gets introduced to the two snakes. Then BAM! Eye Candy shows up, referring creepily to the snake as “her baby” eeewwww….
Blablabla, evil businessman fucks everything up, pisses the snake off, and it breaks loose and kills 4 people. Happy times. Then, to top it all off, the Queen escapes too, except, SHES PREGGO!!! (not a spoiler, its in the damn title) so Evil Businessman hires a bunch of snake hunting mercs. Yep. And the HOFF!!!!! YEAH!!!!
Well anyway, The Hoff kills two idiots in some foreign country because they were bothering him while he was talking on the phone. Its cool, hes the HOFF. HASSLEHOFF COMITH!!!! But wait, the merc who got out of the car isn’t the HOFF, its some other wanker! WHAT?! Theres a Hasslehoff clone out there? And not only that, Cloneselhoff brought a gang of his merry merc men with him! They are trying to outdo the REAL Hoff. This movies getting exciting, but of course, Hoff will prevail. Then Cloneselhoff and gang, including Evil Businessman wormy assistant (Wormy bitch) and Eye Candy take off and go find the snake, leaving the Hoff to find the snake by hisself (sniffle) HASSLEHOFF COMITH LATER!!!
The black racial stereotype from Africa (BSR from now on) brags about his boxing skills. Since snakes natural weakness is a natural bout of fisticuffs. They go to a random barn where some dumbass got eaten, and the Overweight Dunderhead freaks out and pumps about 40 rounds in the general direction of a chicken. Then everyone had a good laugh until the snake showed up and killed Cloneselhoff. PWNED. Rivalry over. The weird part about this kill is that the snake has a fucking machete on its tail. Silly me, I forgot that anacondas had those! Duh! Then, the snake continues PWNing everyone, and bites Overweight Dunderheads head off (ironic, right?) The 4 mercs left chase the snake into the forest and hilarity insues. One of the snakes catches up to Eye Candy and for some reason, the snake doesn’t immediately killinate her. Good thing THE HOFF showed up just in time to pump some bullets into the pussy little snake! He traveled half a world in less than 20 minutes because he was gonna KICK SOME ASS!!!!!
Meanwhile, the 3 merry men and one butch are hunting after the snake in the forest and it, well, I cant believe Im saying this, the snake fucking disappears. Yeah… a 100 foot snake disappears. Im sure it seemed like a compelling plot point at the time. But its just a cop-out, like the 98’ American Godzilla where he disappeared repeatedly. In New York. Real compelling guys. Good job.
They retreat back to work a plan out with THE HOFF. Eye Candy, this weird Mexican/Chinese guy and Butchy McLesbo all get into the Bluescreen Mobile to find the snake while BRS, some guy with a hat who survives longer than expected and THE HOFFSTER take off into the forest to have a merry adventure, Wormy Bitch hangs back. In the Bluescreen Mobile, the snake catches up with and sneaks up on ALL THREE of them and spits on the Mexinese guys face Aliens style. Sexy. So Butchy crashes the car, Mexinese Guy dies immediately, Eye Candy survives scratch free (of course) and Butchy breaks her leg. She gets devoured by the snake (yummy!) and Eye Candy is stuck in the car as it catches on fire! Oh no, what is she gonna do? IS someone gonna save her or- oh wait, she just runs out. Well. Oh no! The snake has confronted her again! What will happen? Suddenly, a gunshot from the distance, two, three more! it’s the HOFFSTER!!!!!!!!! He PWNs that snake into submission and it runs off like a little bitch.
The HOFF is having a strange conversation with Wormy Bastard back at camp, and Eye Candy wonders what’s going on. The HOFF definitely isn’t going to betray you, Eye Candy, no, no, that would be too easy fro the plot. Oh wait, this is a Sci-Fi original… dammit.
It turns out the T3H SN@K3 IS PR3GGO!!!11!!!ONE!!1!!!! OH NO3SSS!!!!!!!!!! And later, HOFF offers Eye Candy a job. No signs of betrayal, nope, not at all. Then THE HOFF(!) tries his smooth moves on her, and she walks away. Its okay HOFF, shes a bitch. Punch her in the jeans.
They try again to kill the snakes, and that gets Wormy Bitch killed. Then the snakes run off into the water, and THE HOFF is pressured to call in the army. He does so defiantly, And yes, folks, the army believes that there is a 100 hundred foot snake couple in America, about to give birth to a million little 100 foots snakes. THAT’S why we win wars folks; we kill the snakes. Eye Candy and BRS end up at some factory (which according to Eye Candy the snake expert is a snakes natural fucking breeding ground), trying to find the snake, and one catches BRS, he pulls a grenade in its mouth and BLOWS THE HELL OUT OF THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!! The explosion is very fiery, though it was only a frag grenade. Oh yeah, and BRS died. Woopsies.
Guy with Hat gets a tree branch knoked on him, which breaks the phone the army was honing in on their signal with (DAMN YOU SNAKES!!!!!!!!). Suddenly, the scene switches to some random wanker talking to EVAL BUSINESSMAN about something or rather. Okay, any explanation folks? No? Alright, lets keep moving. HOFF and Guy with Hat arrive at the factory, and Guy with Hat gets ready to fuck shit up when T3H H0FF SH00TS H1M!!!!!!! OH NOES!?!?!?!!? HOFF IS EVAL!?!?!?!?! Nobody saw that coming! That means, that the random guy was working with THE HOFF and THE HOFF is working with: DUN! DUN! DUN! EVAL BUSINESSMAN! Why HOFF, why?
Well anyway, Eye Candy is all surprised and tricks HOFF into believing that shell join him for a cut of the profits, and then knees him in the balls! You cant kill THE HOFF BITCH!!! Only a time bomb can kill the HOFF!!! So she stabs him, and he falls against the wall, the babies start hatching and HOFF is all like “OH NOES!!!”. Eye Candy suddenly throws a *GASP* time bomb next to THE HOFF and walks out! YOU BITCH!!!!!! HE WAS THE HOFF!!!!!! I LOVED HIM!!!!! Oh wait…
Next scene, somehow a baby snake survives and Random Guy shows up, throws it into a bag and calls EVAL BUSINESSMAN!!!! And tells him that the package3 is secure or some bullshit cliché line like that. Credits roll.

END.

I need a hug.

R.I.P. THE HOFF (July 17, 1952, 2008)